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Thank You for Apologizing

Simple words, and so important. Apologizing is hard, taking responsibility is hard. It’s especially hard for someone like my sister, whose mental illness (a form of paranoid schizophrenia) inclines her to perceive the world as a malevolent place, where people try to confuse and hurt her. When someone does something as hard as apologizing after someone does something so hard, that person deserves credit. Getting this kind of credit makes it easier to take responsibility next time it happens, makes another apology more likely in the future. And it just seems like the decent thing to do. The gracious thing to do.

But accepting an apology can also be very hard. When I feel injured, unappreciated, wrongly accused, it takes a while before I can accept an apology. With my sister, even though it’s hard for me, it’s critical to do this, and do this quickly. If I don’t, then we’re still fighting, things are still tense. My sister does not tolerate tension well. Things may well escalate, and I may then hear about it from someone else – her flatmate may call to tell me that my sister is shouting at her, or my sister may cancel her therapy appointment – and in all those cases, everybody loses. For all these reasons, it’s important to acknowledge times when my sister takes responsibility for her behavior and apologizes, and to do so quickly. But it’s so hard.

Today I was on the phone with my sister, talking with her about her schedule for tomorrow. First her social group, then the individual therapy appointment which she had rescheduled from Friday to Wednesday. We were going over the transportation schedule when my sister said “I can’t find my wallet, so I don’t have a way of paying for my rides.” I was not in my best form, I’m afraid. I was tired of her misplacing things, tired of having to figure out her schedule, tired of feeling like 50% of my life’s energy is going into her – in short, tired of being a primary caregiver. So I gave in to my anger and stress and replied snarkily with something like “well, I suggest you look for your wallet and, if you can’t find it, call everybody you’re supposed to see tomorrow and cancel.”

I made so many mistakes in that single sentence, provoked her in so many ways, and of course she got upset. She began swearing at me. I promptly hung up. I made a rule a long time ago, which has actually served me very well, that whenever my sister is screaming and/or swearing at me, I end the conversation and give her time to cool off before getting in touch again.

A couple of minutes later, I saw my sister had left me voicemail. I checked it and, unbelievably, she was saying that she’s sorry she shouted at me and that her wallet had “reappeared” (I wish she said “I found it” instead of “it reappeared”, but that’s a battle for another day). I realized right away that when I talk with her, I should thank her for apologizing and tell her how impressed I am. But I was still angry with her, and it’s hard for me to pivot emotionally so quickly, even though she did the right thing by apologizing. I am well-aware that her short temper and verbal aggression are related to her brain injury, which leads to difficulty with impulse-control. But I am also human, and feel insulted and unappreciated when she is aggressive toward me (even though, in retrospect, I realize that I was the first to be nasty on that particular conversation).

I called her back. I did not praise her or offer any positive words, just said “are you ready now to talk about tomorrow’s schedule?” and then, when she confirmed, reviewed it with her. I tried to speak with her normally, not in a resentful or annoyed manner, and I think I did okay, Later on, my sister apologized again: “I’m sorry again for the unpleasantness before,” she said, and I found myself deflating a little more. I said the words I knew were the right words to say before I had time to think too much about how I felt, before I had time to back away from doing the right things. “Thank you,” I said. “I really appreciated it when you called me and apologized, and I’m really impressed that you were willing to do that.” My sister thanked me, and that was that. I wished her a good night and we ended the conversation with very little tension.

It’s good to have a script, something I can fall back onto if I need to say the right words but I’m not in the right head/heart space. My script is the one I wrote above. It serves me well. Perhaps you too will find it useful. Repeat after me: “Thank you for apologizing. I’m really impressed that you were willing to do that.”

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Not Fighting on the Way to the Grocery Store

Today my sister shouted at me, accused me of not understanding anything, and then hung up on me. Often these are the opening notes of serious drama. Thankfully, I was able to apply some hard-earned lessons and ride it out without significant casualties, by remembering to do a few key things:

  • Take a deep breath
  • Lower my sense of urgency
  • Ask my sister what’s hurting
  • Ask my sister if she took her medication

Sudden Storm

It’s a pretty day and I’m driving to get groceries, my almost-3-month-old son in the back seat. I call my sister to say hi. She tells me about her recent confusing interaction with her housemate (the housemate invited my sister to join for a yoga class, then left without her). As we work through what happened and what to do next, my sister starts shouting at me: Why did you bring me to California? My life is horrible! You don’t understand how bad it is! You’re just sticking me here and nobody cares!

And then she hangs up.

Immediately the potential catastrophes jump to my mind. She sure seems agitated. Is she going to be aggressive toward her flatmate (again)? Will the flatmate text me (again) to say that she is leaving because she isn’t feeling safe? Will my sister spiral down and I will have to rush over there and hospitalize her, or maybe…

Connecting Instead of Fighting

I take a deep breath and ignore the rush of catastrophes I was imagining. I fight down the urge to call back right away. It’s not urgent. After all, in the times when I hung up on my sister (which I usually do if she is screaming at me), I didn’t like it when she immediately calls me back, and continues doing so endlessly. My sister is alone in the apartment, so she can’t take it out on her flatmate. Let’s give her some time to calm down, and also some time for me to calm down.

I finish grocery shopping and call her back 20 minutes later. She answers calmly, sounding tired. I ask her about her pain: Do you still have a headache? Yes, she says, and proceeds to describe with astonishing detail the exact location of the ache (an inch into her skull, above her right eye and to the side, etc. etc). We talk about which medication she can take and about drinking enough water. Then I suddenly realize that if she’s this worked up in the middle of the day, perhaps… I ask Did you take your medication this morning? and she says No, she didn’t. So she is probably having some rebound anxiety from missing her morning anti-anxiety medication.

A few years ago, I would have asked her why she didn’t take her morning medication… which would have sent us both down the rabbit hole. I dodge that bullet and instead explain that missing taking medication on schedule can contribute to her headache, and she says Oh, okay. Will you take it now? I ask, and she says Sure, hold on. Then we talk about about the medication she can take for her headache, and about the importance of drinking enough water. She asks how my son is doing, and we finish the conversation. In the evening I get a voicemail message from her: She went with her flatmate to the afternoon yoga class, where she only lasted for 15 minutes. But she went. And she sounded decent.

One More Day Ends Without a Crisis

It could have gone much, much worse. It has, in the past. Maybe I’m finally I’m learning something. In the past I would have argued with her, called her right back, argued with her some more, probably riled her up further, maybe driven up to make sure everything is okay (read: to be angry with her in person), spent a lot of time anxious about her potential breakdown, and generally have my day ruined. Instead, being able to reduce my sense of urgency and connecting with her in a caring way turned out to have made for a much better day – hopefully for both of us.

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Block Her!

Today I hit yet another breaking point with my sister. She had been getting increasingly agitated over the past 3 days, shortly after she stopped taking her morning Lorazepam, and has been shouting and screaming at me every day over the phone at some point. Today she asked that I help her schedule her ride for tomorrow, so she could get to work. I did this, then called her back to and told about the time the ride was scheduled for. My sister, already agitated, cut me off with an incredulous “WHAT?! No, I’m sorry, this is just not acceptable!” and hung up on me.

I was left standing in the entrance to the restaurant where I went to place the call, baby strapped to my chest, friend waiting for me at the table, shaking with anger, taking deep breaths. It just felt so ungrateful of her, so inconsiderate, so entitled, and I was livid.

I choked down the urge to call her back and shout at her. What’s the point? It won’t change anything, I’d just get angrier, and it would take more time.

I also didn’t want to hear from her again. Never would have been ideal, but I realized even then that’s not realistic. However, I decided it was time for a break. So I blocked her on my phone.

I had blocked my sister before, for a few hours at a time, when things got too intense and I felt I wasn’t going to handle well any additional conversations with her. But this time, I’ve kept her blocked since.

It’s been amazing.

For starters, she seems unaware of the fact that I’ve blocked her. She is used to leaving me voicemail and me calling her back later, sometimes much later. So from her perspective, very little has changed. In fact, she told our mother that I said I won’t be available for a few days because I’m busy–which I didn’t, because I hadn’t spoken with her for the first few days I had her blocked–but the point is that my sister made up a reason why we weren’t talking that she was comfortable with.

The improvement in my quality of life is immense. I used to dread her phone calls, would always have a quick and intense internal debate about whether to pick up when she calls, would feel guilty if I ignored her call and stupid if I picked up too often, and all this was costing me a lot of energy. My beloved partner has also experienced the same improvement in quality of life, and mentioned it spontaneously to me – the frequency calls from my sister have been hard on my partner, too.

If I’m wondering how my sister is doing, I can always go into the “Blocked Messages” section of my voicemail and see the many messages she’d left.

This is only possible because my sister already has some support network in place in addition to me. She can call my mother, she has her housemate, she has her personal aide. If there is a true emergency and she is able to use the phone, I will hear about it before long from one of those people.

I would like to call my sister more frequently, maybe once a day or every couple of days. Even without doing this, it seems to be working well. I’m a lot less on edge, when I do speak with my sister she doesn’t seem to have an issue with my not answering, and she seems to be doing well overall.

In the past I would have thought this was a cruel thing to do, or demeaning, or at least inconsiderate. Right now, it seems to be a great act of self-care that is helping me be less annoyed and more emotionally present with my sister, less burned out overall, without really costing her much. So, at least under our current circumstances, it seems to be a very good solution.