Simple words, and so important. Apologizing is hard, taking responsibility is hard. It’s especially hard for someone like my sister, whose mental illness (a form of paranoid schizophrenia) inclines her to perceive the world as a malevolent place, where people try to confuse and hurt her. When someone does something as hard as apologizing after someone does something so hard, that person deserves credit. Getting this kind of credit makes it easier to take responsibility next time it happens, makes another apology more likely in the future. And it just seems like the decent thing to do. The gracious thing to do.
But accepting an apology can also be very hard. When I feel injured, unappreciated, wrongly accused, it takes a while before I can accept an apology. With my sister, even though it’s hard for me, it’s critical to do this, and do this quickly. If I don’t, then we’re still fighting, things are still tense. My sister does not tolerate tension well. Things may well escalate, and I may then hear about it from someone else – her flatmate may call to tell me that my sister is shouting at her, or my sister may cancel her therapy appointment – and in all those cases, everybody loses. For all these reasons, it’s important to acknowledge times when my sister takes responsibility for her behavior and apologizes, and to do so quickly. But it’s so hard.
Today I was on the phone with my sister, talking with her about her schedule for tomorrow. First her social group, then the individual therapy appointment which she had rescheduled from Friday to Wednesday. We were going over the transportation schedule when my sister said “I can’t find my wallet, so I don’t have a way of paying for my rides.” I was not in my best form, I’m afraid. I was tired of her misplacing things, tired of having to figure out her schedule, tired of feeling like 50% of my life’s energy is going into her – in short, tired of being a primary caregiver. So I gave in to my anger and stress and replied snarkily with something like “well, I suggest you look for your wallet and, if you can’t find it, call everybody you’re supposed to see tomorrow and cancel.”
I made so many mistakes in that single sentence, provoked her in so many ways, and of course she got upset. She began swearing at me. I promptly hung up. I made a rule a long time ago, which has actually served me very well, that whenever my sister is screaming and/or swearing at me, I end the conversation and give her time to cool off before getting in touch again.
A couple of minutes later, I saw my sister had left me voicemail. I checked it and, unbelievably, she was saying that she’s sorry she shouted at me and that her wallet had “reappeared” (I wish she said “I found it” instead of “it reappeared”, but that’s a battle for another day). I realized right away that when I talk with her, I should thank her for apologizing and tell her how impressed I am. But I was still angry with her, and it’s hard for me to pivot emotionally so quickly, even though she did the right thing by apologizing. I am well-aware that her short temper and verbal aggression are related to her brain injury, which leads to difficulty with impulse-control. But I am also human, and feel insulted and unappreciated when she is aggressive toward me (even though, in retrospect, I realize that I was the first to be nasty on that particular conversation).
I called her back. I did not praise her or offer any positive words, just said “are you ready now to talk about tomorrow’s schedule?” and then, when she confirmed, reviewed it with her. I tried to speak with her normally, not in a resentful or annoyed manner, and I think I did okay, Later on, my sister apologized again: “I’m sorry again for the unpleasantness before,” she said, and I found myself deflating a little more. I said the words I knew were the right words to say before I had time to think too much about how I felt, before I had time to back away from doing the right things. “Thank you,” I said. “I really appreciated it when you called me and apologized, and I’m really impressed that you were willing to do that.” My sister thanked me, and that was that. I wished her a good night and we ended the conversation with very little tension.
It’s good to have a script, something I can fall back onto if I need to say the right words but I’m not in the right head/heart space. My script is the one I wrote above. It serves me well. Perhaps you too will find it useful. Repeat after me: “Thank you for apologizing. I’m really impressed that you were willing to do that.”