Today my sister shouted at me, accused me of not understanding anything, and then hung up on me. Often these are the opening notes of serious drama. Thankfully, I was able to apply some hard-earned lessons and ride it out without significant casualties, by remembering to do a few key things:
- Take a deep breath
- Lower my sense of urgency
- Ask my sister what’s hurting
- Ask my sister if she took her medication
Sudden Storm
It’s a pretty day and I’m driving to get groceries, my almost-3-month-old son in the back seat. I call my sister to say hi. She tells me about her recent confusing interaction with her housemate (the housemate invited my sister to join for a yoga class, then left without her). As we work through what happened and what to do next, my sister starts shouting at me: Why did you bring me to California? My life is horrible! You don’t understand how bad it is! You’re just sticking me here and nobody cares!
And then she hangs up.
Immediately the potential catastrophes jump to my mind. She sure seems agitated. Is she going to be aggressive toward her flatmate (again)? Will the flatmate text me (again) to say that she is leaving because she isn’t feeling safe? Will my sister spiral down and I will have to rush over there and hospitalize her, or maybe…
Connecting Instead of Fighting
I take a deep breath and ignore the rush of catastrophes I was imagining. I fight down the urge to call back right away. It’s not urgent. After all, in the times when I hung up on my sister (which I usually do if she is screaming at me), I didn’t like it when she immediately calls me back, and continues doing so endlessly. My sister is alone in the apartment, so she can’t take it out on her flatmate. Let’s give her some time to calm down, and also some time for me to calm down.
I finish grocery shopping and call her back 20 minutes later. She answers calmly, sounding tired. I ask her about her pain: Do you still have a headache? Yes, she says, and proceeds to describe with astonishing detail the exact location of the ache (an inch into her skull, above her right eye and to the side, etc. etc). We talk about which medication she can take and about drinking enough water. Then I suddenly realize that if she’s this worked up in the middle of the day, perhaps… I ask Did you take your medication this morning? and she says No, she didn’t. So she is probably having some rebound anxiety from missing her morning anti-anxiety medication.
A few years ago, I would have asked her why she didn’t take her morning medication… which would have sent us both down the rabbit hole. I dodge that bullet and instead explain that missing taking medication on schedule can contribute to her headache, and she says Oh, okay. Will you take it now? I ask, and she says Sure, hold on. Then we talk about about the medication she can take for her headache, and about the importance of drinking enough water. She asks how my son is doing, and we finish the conversation. In the evening I get a voicemail message from her: She went with her flatmate to the afternoon yoga class, where she only lasted for 15 minutes. But she went. And she sounded decent.
One More Day Ends Without a Crisis
It could have gone much, much worse. It has, in the past. Maybe I’m finally I’m learning something. In the past I would have argued with her, called her right back, argued with her some more, probably riled her up further, maybe driven up to make sure everything is okay (read: to be angry with her in person), spent a lot of time anxious about her potential breakdown, and generally have my day ruined. Instead, being able to reduce my sense of urgency and connecting with her in a caring way turned out to have made for a much better day – hopefully for both of us.